MOMMY!
by miwaku zombie
Summary: An mpreg parody. Team 7 go to liberate Sasuke from Orochimaru's secret lairtm but Orochimaru doesn't plan to fight he's got to tell Naruto something. I sort of got confused half way through.


_(Oh my gooootnesssssss! I apologize for this ridiculous story, but I haven't got much to do with my life right now. So, uh, please keep in mind that this is supposed to be stupid and I honestly don't like m-preg nor do I understand it, for that matter... I think that the Orochimaru/Yondaime pairing is adorable, don't hurt me!)_

**MOMMY!**

''This is it!'' Naruto pulled on the tails of his forehead protector to tighten it in preparation. He turned to face Sakura, who was looking at the steps with a solemn expression on her face.

''Do you think he'll come back with us?'' The question was addressed to Kakashi, who stood between the two teenagers, more so than Naruto. Even so, Naruto gave her an enthusiastic nod adding 'Definitely!' Kakashi said nothing. This may have been meaningful if his silence weren't because of reading 'Come Come Paradise'.

''Of course he will!'' The blond gennin kept on. He couldn't see it, but as a dramatic wind picked up, whisking random leaves and twigs around team seven, Sakura's face was full of sorrow as she looked at their silent sensei, waiting for an answer she knew she wasn't going to get.

''I was just wondering...'' She sighed, tears brimming. Sasuke's face flashed in Naruto's mind. He reached over and stroked her shoulder.

''We better get going,'' Kakashi spoke through his mask. Both teens nodded and followed the rather stoned-looking man who had nothing but his hair and an eye visible down the steps into the unnatural darkness.

'...If you ever suffocate.' The bubblegum-haired kunoichi finished her sentence silently.

After a while, in which this while seemed like eternity itself, of passage ways and booby-traps, team seven arrived panting like crippled leopards trying to catch their dinner in Orochimaru's secret, and oh-so-evil, underground lair(tm). Even Kakashi had pulled his mask down under his chin to better his breathing, but poor Sakura and Naruto couldn't see what lay beneath it on account of the darkness Orochimaru had furnished his crib with.

Naruto was the first to speak.

''Orochimaru, you bastard! Where's Sasuke!'' He demanded to the general shape of something sitting in between two candles. ''I'll make you p--'' He was taken aback by the sage ninja's nu-do.

''Blond?''

''Sort of,'' came the raspy, dry reply from the figure perched regally on a throne of stone. ''I've been trying to grow it out, but it just looks silly.'' He reached a stark white hand up to fiddle with it, obviously accustomed to people pointing it out.

''Nonsense.'' Sakura had finally caught her breath. ''That messy look is rather popular right now,'' She patted her own hair gently, as to not upset the carefully flicked out and stylized ends. Orochimaru, still under the impression that this girl (from what his sexy grandpa memory could vaguely remember) was the weakest thing since the first worm did wiggle, ignored her.

''Well, Sasuke-kun isn't here, but I'm glad that you came, Naruto-kun,'' Naruto felt a bad feeling prickle its way up his spine.

''You want to get me before the Akatsuki do!'' He had grown tired of that ridiculous group playing 'doctor EEVIL' in their Tuxedo Mask-loving raincoats. He had often wondered, while training with Jiraiya, if the Akatsuki had anything better to do with their lives, other than attempt to terrorize the villages. 'must'a been picked on in th'ninja academy' he'd said once, mouth full of ramen.

Indeed, that may have been true, but the fact was of no importance now.

''Get you?'' Orochimaru rose to his feet slowly. ''You know I have no need for you in that way. I have Sasuke-kun for that.'' He seems to get a kick when he rasped this; Sasuke was to Orochimaru as Gaara was to Sasuke the first time they met: He'd had an orgasm right on the spot. Mmm... Sasuke-kun's pretty little body... and oohhh that sexy sharingan...ooooo aaaaa ooo aaaa...ahem, anyway. Back to THIS story.

''At first,'' Orochimaru began his, what he implied to be, rather important tale with Naruto's and his own hands clasped together. Puffs of white powder tickled Naruto's nose. He turned slightly green and coughed.

"Geez, what the hell's in that make-up?"

"Hunh? I dunno, Kabuto gets it for me. In fact…"

The creepy snake guy made an annoyed cough and for the first time team seven, or rather Sakura, since Kakashi had found his place in 'Make-out Paradise' and was reading that (perhaps he, too, became angry whenever a villain made long eevil speeches about how they were going to kill the story's protagonist just as soon as they were done with explaining how they were going to do it, and then never got a chance to because the hero would kick their ass...perhaps..) took note of Kabuto. He was in the corner and had just ripped open a plastic bag full of petal mulch. He then, bless his little four-eyed heart, struggled with an antique-looking fan. But this was all ok, because Kabuto knew he had ordered the vast amounts of white powder Orochimaru required to be EEVIL from an auction of Louis XIV's palace items (WARNING: Product May Contain Lead). While Naruto asked Orochimaru if he might be getting a cold, Sakura approached Kabuto.

''Would you like some help, Kabuto-san?'' She asked sweetly. Kabuto looked up at her and smiled. And another random and ridiculous NARUTO pairing was born. Together they got the fan working and the petals flying and Orochimaru continued his monologue complete with an extra sappy shoujo background.

''Fourteen and a half years ago, I did something very foolish, Naruto-kun,''

''Like, you wore white after labor day?'' Naruto was more interested in trying to pry his hands from the old man's grasp.

''You see, I was young ...ish. And he was there! Him with his damned spiky hair and those damn sexy sideburns! I tried to resist him, but he just kept coming!''

Sakura was blushing profusely. Kakashi had fallen asleep.

"What, Elvis?" Naruto blinked.

''Oh, Naruto-kun!'' Orochimaru embraced Naruto, whose whole right side of his body became covered in white powder. He choked and sputtered as it infiltrated his respitory system.

''Is that lead based?'' The blond prankster ninja was becoming a tad light-headed. Orochimaru hadn't heard him.

''And THEN!'' He hugged the blond tightly. ''Nine months later, a boy was born, a child who would never know his father. Naruto-kun, you were that child! You are my illegitimate son!''

''What? Son! Does that make Anko my mother!'' Naruto panicked. People had always said he reminded them of her but the thought of Anko mothering anything was completely petrifying.

''No, moron! I'm your Mother!''

And a minute long silence took over the village hidden in the sound.

''Listen, man, I have taken notice of the fact that you like to talk like a woman, what with all the 'atashis' you throw into your dialogue, and that weird dress-thing you wear, but, like, if it's you and Anko then you're totally my father and that...'' For the first time during this farce, the news sunk into Naruto. ''And that just plain sucks.'' He stared off into space, a sort of self-loafing settling inside of himself.

''Anko is NOT your father, you stupid idiot!'' Orochimaru wheezed and hissed. ''The Fourth is!''

"Who's this Your lady, then? She a kage or what?"

Orochimaru stared at Naruto for a moment before turning around and beating his head into his stone throne. He snapped around and forced a smile at Naruto.

"No, sweety, no. the Fourth Hokage. Not the fourth word. Well, I suppose you get your brains from your father…"

''Oh.'' Naruto seem to perk up.

''I had my suspicions,'' Naruto rubbed his chin, eyes squinted fox-like, thoughtfully. His pink haired teammate shook her head, her brow knitted with fists clenched.

''Idiot.'' She turned to Kakashi to ask him if they could leave. Her sensei was drooling while he was sprawled out on the stone floor. She sighed painfully.

''Orochimaru,'' There was a power behind her voice when she spoke now. Naruto lost his breath, slightly intimidated by Sakura and Orochimaru acknowledged her for the first time. He may have gulped out of slight fear, or he may have been trying to get rid of the forever rank taste he had in his mouth from handling things with his tongue. ''How exactly is that possible?'' She finished, smiling with embarrassment and rubbing the back of her neck. The idea was pretty far-fetched, but she just HAD to know. After all, she was a medic-nin; such knowledge may come in handy one day.

"Oh! If you really want to know about THAT…" Orochimaru all but giggled his way over to her and started whispering into her ear. Every so often his tongue tickled her ear and she shivered.

"Wait, does that make Anko my sister?" Naruto was starting to get a headache.

After twenty minutes Orochimaru marched away from an extremely red hot Sakura who had sunk to her knees murmuring "Oh my, oh my." He smiled at Naruto and took his hand.

"Come, there is so much we need to talk about, Naruto-kun." Orochimaru purred. The extremely confused blond snatched his hand away.

"Like what! None of this shit makes sense!" Naruto stomped his foot on the ground.

"Well, I think it would be nice for you to meet your new father, for one thing..." Orochimaru sheepishly played with the hem of his dress.

"Isn't that you? Hang on, hang on. Can I just go home? I think I need some ramen… I forgot to have breakfast this morning… um…"

"Just come on!"

Reluctantly, Naruto was lead through a short and equally gloomy passage-way. When they reached the other side he had to scrunch his eyes up because of the blinding brightness.

"And where the hell have YOU been?" a familiar dark and sulky voice demanded.

Naruto gasped. 'No way! It couldn't be…' he thought.

"Sorry dear," Orochimaru lisped and Naruto heard a scraping noise that must have been a chair sliding back. The smell told him he must be in a kitchen. Finally his eyes came into focus to see an irate scowl across a rather beautiful face.

"Sasuke!"

The Uchiha prodigy was wearing a frilly pink apron over his shorts and t-shirt. One hand rested on his hip holding a spatula.

"I hope you like eggs." He growled before he turned back to the stove.

"Ah?" Orochimaru had put on half-moon spectacles and picked up a newspaper. Sasuke cringed.

"…Hon." He added through gritted teeth.

Naruto's jaw gaped open.

Orochimaru opened the newspaper with dramatic rustling. "Ah. Falcons have lost another game."

Naruto fell to the ground with such velocity all the furniture in the quaint suburban-looking kitchen crashed up and down.

"Kids these days…" Orochimaru said.

"If you're going to act like that you can go to your room!" Sasuke said.

Naruto proceeded to twitch and foam at the mouth on the floor.

The End.

_(I really do not get what happened with this fic…but whatever…)_


End file.
